Bel Air, MD — A sleepy Maryland village has been rocked by reports that native son John Wilkes Booth is a suspect in the recent assassination of Pres. Abraham Lincoln. “He was so polite and handsome,” said Bel Air’s mayor, Jebediah Martin. “I was proud to be an elected official in his town.” A second cousin described Booth as “just your normal, average guy.”
A Bel Air barber said he “gets the shivers” thinking about all the times he trimmed the moustaches of a killer. “To think I just waived that straight-blade around without a care in the world.” Booth’s former schoolteacher, Mary McElroy, said she thought his southern sympathies were “weird”, but she never imagined it would lead him to shoot the President. “You just never know what goes on in a person’s mind.” A local actor who appeared with Booth in several amateur theater productions paints a somewhat darker picture. “He was kind of mental about anything related to abolition. ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’ was not in our repetoire.”
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